I have heard it said that some people transfer their primary addiction, such as gambling, into another form of addiction. An addictive need to belong to a 12 step group – such as Gamblers’ Anonymous.
Certainly, I did get more and more involved in GA – and that might have been my downfall – because I had a couple of “slips” after over 3 years gambling free – which meant that I had to give up all the work I was doing for the fellowship.
GA had been a big part of my life for several years – but I then came to the conclusion that it was no longer working for me and that I needed to try a different path.
My philosophy had been to put as much time and effort into my recovery as I used to put into my gambling. So, when I wasn’t earning money to pay off debts, I was either attending a GA meeting or working for GA or I was co-counselling or doing some other course.
Needless to say, I didn’t have a TV
As I said in the last part of my story – I had even moved to another city to escape my gambling life and from the off, I decided not to keep my gambling a secret there. One of my new friends in this “new” city owned a computer repair shop (a new thing in the early 90’s) and he agreed to let me have a reconditioned PC virtually free -although he did warn me not to gamble on-line.
(I never did and I never have!)
What I did do on the internet was to make friends around the world – and inevitably one of those contacts became more than a friend. It was the start of a long-distance relationship. Very long distance.
I was clear to Lou* from the start as to what I was, a recovering gambler and that didn’t put her off – and she flew out from Brazil to meet me. We had three weeks together and at the end of that time we started to talk about my going over there. That was a dilemma – I was struggling to keep my banger of a car on the road and could hardly afford to see Lou off at the airport – never mind a ticket to Brazil. But when I kept turning flights down as too expensive – I was asked how much I could afford. I said a figure that was half of the usual price – and a few days later a travel agent came up with a flight at the figure I said – I was off to Sao Paulo.
For a long-distance relationship it was quite intense, in that we were in touch virtually every day – so I was spending a lot of time at home and on my computer. Bars, casinos, gambling was not on the agenda.
Fast forwards a couple of years and we were getting married in Sao Paulo and honeymooning in Rio. How did I afford it? I re-mortgaged, extending my mortgage by several years – something that I thought wouldn’t matter in my (then) early 40s but did matter in my late 50s … Even with extending the mortgage and not gambling, finances were not easy. Lou came to live with me and I had to support her for a few months until she found work, then there were more trips back to Brazil see family. Even though I was married and living with my wife, I don’t think even she understood the effect that years of gambling had had on my finances and wondered why I always wanted to eat at the cheapest places, why we rarely splashed out on something special – why I was generally quite mean with my money, even though I was working hard in a reasonably well-paid job.
The marriage didn’t work out, she betrayed my trust and I ended it quite suddenly. That was a point when I seriously thought about gambling. I didn’t gamble.
My thought process was – I have had a wonderful few years in that relationship – there had been no gambling thoughts at all in that time. Now that I am hurting, why should I do something that will hurt me more. That sustained me. The other thing that kept me going was that I realised I really cared about myself. Whether it was the counselling, co-counselling or the other work I had done over the years – I came to a conclusion that I was a good likeable guy and I didn’t want to go back to someone who would have to sponge money from friends or do more and more desperate things to get finance to gamble with.
I did find it hard having cash in my pocket – so when I found myself with gambling urges, I tended to go into the nearest charity (thrift) shop and buy something – which led to another problem – hoarding. Another explanation for this may be that I was trying to fill the gap where my relationship had been. Whatever it was, it didn’t help my financial situation, but in my eyes that was okay because at least I was not gambling.
The next few years weren’t easy. I got very down and had to take time out of work. Eventually I was offered a voluntary severance which I accepted and found myself without paid work for the first time in years. I took some time out, which was probably good for my health but not for my pocket, so I started to sell the books I had been hoarding and found that I enjoyed that so much that I made the decision to be a book-seller full time.
I bought books from auctions in bulk and sold individually mainly on a well know internet website. Bookselling never paid very well and the debts started to increase – not through gambling, but if I had NOT gambled, I would have had a cushion that would have made life so much easier in my later years. And that time WAS really difficult. I was struggling to make ends meet, coming near my credit limit on cards and paying out a fortune in interest. But despite all that, I knew that gambling would only make things worse. I crept towards 60 and being able to take out a work-place pension, and with the help of loans from a couple of friends (thank you!) I got there in 2017.
Now I could relax, but a bigger decision had to be made. Should I keep going as I was and slowly pay my debts off until I became debt free sometime in my early 70s. Or sell my house and use the proceeds to keep myself afloat instead.
The latter idea seemed more sensible (and exciting) and so I made the decision to go travelling. I first had that idea in Brazil, when I was outside a market in Florianopolis, waiting for Lou and I thought how cool would it be to come here by going East from the UK. That was nearly 20 years ago.
Ten years ago I did a “dummy run” by taking three months off work to travel around the Baltic States of Latvia, Lithuania and Estonia. But it has been one of the hardest decisions ever to change my life again and become Steev the world traveller.
Today I am doing that travelling. I am currently, (July 2019) in Germany and next month in France. I don’t have a home anywhere but am living out of a suitcase (well 3 suitcases) and loving it. So, you see – not a usual story and I can’t say I have “the key to success.” But what I want this post and this blog to say is that it IS possible to stop gambling – even when you have been at it for several years.
I think what really made the difference was finding out that I really, really care about myself and not wanting to ruin my life for the sake of some small thrills that I got when the reels fell in the right places. I am loving life – and hope to see many more beautiful places before I pop my clogs (as they say in Northern England.)
And just for today I will not gamble.
- * Lou is not her real name.
This will be the last of my biography posts – I will now focus on tackling the triggers that get in the way of staying stopped!
