Thoughts on Compulsive Gambling and Suicide.
What if I was to say to you that no compulsive gambler ever wants to end their life. What they want is to end their life as a compulsive gambler, but they can see no way of doing this. So they feel they have to end it all. All of it.
Of course, I have no way of knowing if I am right – I cannot read the minds of other gamblers, but the title of my blog is “newlife steev” and the idea is that my shit life as a CG was ended and I now have a life that I love.
I am also no expert on suicide. I don’t personally know anyone who has committed suicide over a gambling problem (though I have had friends end their lives for other reasons.) So this post is only my take on things and is not written from an expert’s point of view.
Anyone who is in recovery from compulsive gambling will know about the risk of suicide. It is one of the 20 questions that is asked by Gamblers’ Anonymous to determine if you are a compulsive gambler and I remember that it was one of the few boxes that I didn’t tick. For me, no matter how bad things got, I never reached the point where I thought about taking my own life.
I know that suicide is one of the leading causes of death amongst young people (although this is a bit misleading as more suicides are committed by people in their 40s – but then other causes of death take over from suicide.) What is startling is the difference between the statistics for men and women. Men are far more likely to do this and it is the case right across the world where figures are kept. I am also aware that gambling seems to be more of a problem for men than women, as is seen by the roughly 90% male attendance rate at Gamblers’ Anonymous (certainly when I was there.) * So, is there a connection?
I think that if we go back to why people get hooked into gambling in the first place we can see some possible reasons. For me and for many, gambling was a means of blotting out the pain of the past and not facing up to the real challenges of life. As time went on and the losses and worries about money started to mount up, the thought began to emerge that “I am a failure.”
For other people, gambling is a false idea that I can have the lifestyle that I aspire to quickly and without having to put the effort in. These gamblers are more likely to bet big and so win and (more often) lose big. Again, the pain of losing might lead them to re-evaluate their lives and decide that as they cannot have the life they want, they have failed.
Now, I am not saying that thoughts of being a failure are more applicable to men than women. What perhaps is more telling is that men are often brought up to be thought of as the breadwinner. They see their lives as more centred around work and providing for the family, perhaps more than women. So, when they are feeling that they are failing in that area then problems arise.
Of course the other reason that men are thought to commit suicide more often is that they are less likely to reach out for help than women. I have seen numerous articles on men’s health mentioning this and there is something in the culture of men about machismo and the “stiff upper lip” meaning that reaching out to counsellors and other mental health professionals is seen as a sign of weakness.
My thought at the top of the page – that most compulsive gamblers don’t really wish to end their lives but to end their life as a compulsive gambler – comes from my reading of a book by David Rosen “Transforming Depression”, where Dr Rosen talks about Egocide, an idea that it is the current life that we have that we want to end, not life full-stop.
He interviewed some people who had survived suicide attempts (from jumping off bridges) and found that the vast majority did not make subsequent attempts but had decided they now wanted to live. Many made substantial changes to their lives. Dr Rosen is a Jungian therapist and so is interested in using creative therapies with patients to look at the symbolism involved in taking a life and was particularly struck by the need of survivors for change.
I am aware that my gambling started to take off when I ended my creative life (music) and drove me to a point where nothing much else existed other than gambling and work. I think I have said before that my life narrowed to the habit and earning the money to feed the habit. Living such a narrow life (especially if you are aware that you are not there for others close to you) may make you wish to end it all.
It does seem to me that learning from our addictions can be a way forward for some. When I was playing the piano I would often practise for 3 or 4 hours a day, completely immersed in what I was doing. When I was in front of a fruit machine the same tenacity ensued. Now I find it difficult to write a piece for this blog for more than 5 minutes without being distracted by something. (A cat has just walked in from the balcony as I am writing!) When a life is completely taken up like this it is difficult to break free. I think this is why rehabs and retreats from addiction work so well; not just because it gives participants the chance to look at themselves and what they are doing with their lives (who said an unexamined life is not worth living?) but also so that there is the sheer break of not doing only what we know. I am aware that after being on a few co-counselling residentials and experiencing the peace and escape from a work and stress filled life, I did consider if it would be possible to somehow live in this situation full-time. It is easier now that I am no longer dependent on work to finance things (although I still work for a small amount each week) and I am living the sort of life I want – hence new life steev. But what my gambling (and music) showed me was that I did have the capacity for tenacity. If I really wanted something, then I could make it happen. I would often say to people who were trying to give up that we need to put as much effort into our recovery as we did into our gambling. If we can sit in a bookmakers for 5 hours at a time then we can go to a counselling workshop for that amount of time as well. We will also not be gambling whilst we are there.
Working out what the “new life” is going to consist of will be a very personal journey. There are many factors to take into account, not least the type of gambling the person is hooked into, the family and work situation, the need to pay off debts, health and other constraints, but the fact remains that it IS the alternative to ending life altogether. If really drastic measures are needed (rehab, moving abroad, living remotely) then so be it. The most drastic thing anyone can do is to end their life and whilst other choices might be difficult at least they save the grief and upset of those closest to the gambler and gives the would-be suicide another chance at living the life they really want.
* Note: I know that the lack of female attendees can be self-perpetuating in that walking into a room full of men can be difficult for many women. GA is starting to address this with “women preferred” meetings, which attempt to promote women membership and limit the number of male attendees to just enough to allow the meeting to function, but this is something that is still an issue in the rooms.
If you or anyone close to you is affected by the suicide of a compulsive gambler you can get support from support@gamblingwithlives.org There is a link to the website Gambling with lives here. www.gamblingwithlives.org
