Regrets?
In my last blog post – (See here) I wrote that I had had more than a few regrets in my life. I meant it.
As the son of a compulsive gambler, you would think that gambling would be the last thing I’d be doing to myself, but the truth is that I was gambling as soon as I started to earn money at 16. But with my first few weeks wages I did buy a bicycle … and with that bike I saw a bit more of the world. I’ve been seeing more of the world ever since.
When is the right time to travel full-time? Do I regret not changing my life at 22 or 42 instead of waiting until I was 62? Well, I used to think I did, but the truth is that I was too busy with other things.
Late teens, gambling. Twenties gambling more but coping. Late twenties, marriage ends and gambling goes out of control. Thirties – the beginning of therapy and finding ways to stop. Forties – stopping. Fifties – dealing with the consequences. Sixties – finally the chance to go. I meant this post to be a case study in when to start travelling full-time. But in reality the time chose me.
20's
20s
I left school at 16 and bought a bicycle before my gambling addiction kicked in … that got me out further from my home in Warrington as far as the coast at times. Looking back, I know it was an addiction but I am genuinely puzzled as to why someone who loves being out and about – seeing the world could spend so much time cooped up in a dark room with virtually no outside light (all the focus is on the machines).
My insight now is that I had short horizons. Whilst other school friends were taking trips to Paris and Switzerland, my (few) childhood holidays were to North Wales and Blackpool. I couldn’t imagine seeing the world and I needed to imagine.
30s
This was the most difficult decade of my life. In the first couple of years I had to deal with lots of personal trauma, coming to terms with my addiction and making the call to Gamblers’ Anonymous. The later years were the ‘therapy’ years, discovering co-counselling, getting more involved in GA (I did a brief stint as National Secretary) becoming a Co-counselling teacher and training to be a counsellor myself. I was working a full-time job during this time and also taking an Open University degree. Too much.
But I did take my first trips abroad – my first flight to Ireland, then to a co-counselling event in the Netherlands and a spontaneous trip to France (I was in Kent, parked up my car near Dover Castle for a couple of days and took the hovercraft and train to Nice and back.) I began to see possibilities for myself, but I still had this niggling feeling that I didn’t deserve travel and this was hard to overcome.
40s
This was the decade in which I found love and finally managed to stop gambling for good. The two are pretty much linked. Although the marriage failed, it was wonderful whilst it lasted and my wife, though she might not know it, taught me to love myself and that has made the biggest difference to my life. So the journey here was discovering myself – not the planet and, in all honesty, that needed to come first.
50s
This was the most ‘could’ve’ decade when I went off the rails a little (eating and hoarding but not gambling.) After 55 I started to lose what was to be a third of my body weight. I took a trip to the Baltic states to see if solo travelling really was for me (it was.) Then came putting things in place to make it happen, travelling extensively around the UK whilst I still could and coming up with the plan. A fine balance, which I still have now, between trying to keep myself going financially and making time to do some of the things I wanted to do, like travel.
But the biggest thing I worked on was the guilt. I took small steps. I took time out to travel to places within a few hours of home, then stayed overnight in places to extend my trips to a weekend. Was this right? Do I deserve to treat myself this way? Shouldn’t I be working harder to pay off my debts instead of going on a jolly? Towards the end of my 50s and early 60s I was taking a week away at Christmas and staying in remote parts of England. I had moved on.
60s
The pull of wanting to travel full-time was already there … what I needed was the push. This came in three ways. First Brexit; second having new, unpleasant, noisy neighbours; and third my finances. The creditors (mainly credit card companies) were pushing me hard and it seemed the only way out to pay off my debts was to sell my house. It all made sense then. I sold up and began my travels just days after my 62nd birthday. I could feel guilt-free, I had to do it. I went back to Ireland for the start of my trip – a great circle.
Thoughts
What I discovered was I needed the mindset of … not believing I could do it, but believing that I deserved to do it, deserved to be true to myself. That took a lot of time and a lot of healing. Now I’m off to sit in the sun.
Top image of Steev taking a photo in Belfast, Northern Ireland by Anna Green.
