I know that I am a bit of an introvert. I think it was the Australian psychologist Dorothy Rowe who once wrote that you know if you are an introvert when your idea of a good time is to be on a desert island rather than a party on Ibizia. I know which I would prefer! I also know that most other people with gambling problems are loners too. This may seem odd to folks who think that there is a social hub in the betting shop or the casino – but most people place bets alone. The other punters are just that – not many friendships are forged in the amusement arcades.
This led me to thinking about how gamblers isolate themselves and whether that matters. There is a famous TED talk called, “the opposite of addiction is connection” – and whilst I think the talk itself is a bit simplistic (it is aimed at a general audience) I am convinced that it has been my links to others who are working on their own issues, gambling and others, which has helped me to become gamble free. So, I thought I would look at some of the ways in which we isolate ourselves and how we can perhaps reconnect to help with our recovery.
1. SHAME
There is a theory that one of the bases of addiction is shame. Indeed, there is a book by John Bradshaw on addiction called “Healing the Shame that Binds Us” which looks at the whole issue of shame in our families and how it leads to alcohol abuse and other similar behaviours. But I was thinking more of the shame of gambling itself. I know that I was so grateful that casinos and slot machine arcades don’t have outside windows – so nobody could see me wasting my money there. Shame would also stop me from asking for help. Even after I had stopped actively gambling, shame would prevent me from going for financial advice in case I had to disclose where my problems had stemmed from.
2. LIES
Whenever we lie to someone, we move further away from them. If you think about it, this makes sense as I would want less conversation with a person I had lied to in case the matter then came up. Lies tend to keep us isolated, even within a family – and it is difficult not to lie when gambling is an issue. A reminder that we don’t need to be on our own to be isolated.
3. LACK OF MONEY
As our resources go down, so do our options for socialising. We think twice about a meal out, a trip to the pub or a concert if that money could be used for gambling instead. Indeed, we often reach a point where any money which is not used for gambling is deemed too much. I know that I was a keen concert goer when my addiction really kicked in and my season ticket kept me going there for a while and was a brief respite from my gambling. Safe to say the following year I did not (could not) renew. Lack of money is also an element in …
4. NOT LOOKING AFTER OURSELVES
When my addiction really kicked in, my appearance became shoddy. I remember being picked up on (at a GA meeting) for having holes in my shoes – but I really felt that I could not afford a new pair, that would be spending money put by for debts, which eventually became gambling money. This will serve to keep us away from people we know who might pick up on the fact that something is not right. It might keep some people indoors – where you can gamble on-line in your pyjamas if need be.
5. LOW SELF-ESTEEM
If I was to join a new social group or a class etc. and I was asked “and what are your interests?” Am I going to say, “gambling on slot machines?” Low self-esteem is still a problem for me and I think was a problem before I started gambling, possibly from being the son of a father with gambling problems. But my own gambling didn’t help. I never felt good enough to join with people in trendy bars or go to (what I thought of as) posh nightclubs. I would go into trendy casinos though – as long as they had slots!
6. GUILT
I once learnt that guilt is often an emotion that masks something else. What I do know is that guilt is painful and if I am feeling guilty about something I have done I am not going to put myself in a position where I have to talk about it. Guilt then eats away at us and in a vulnerable state we may feel that we can no longer live with the feeling or the pain. Guilt can be dangerous.
7. SOCIAL ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION
This really is a feedback loop, in that the more anxious I feel, the less likely I am to socialise and then the more anxious I will become. Similarly, depression feeds on itself. Not being around people is more likely to make me feel depressed and then I will feel more depressed because I am on my own. This is a hard loop to break free from and I can only suggest taking small steps and ensuring that you take good care of yourself on this difficult journey.
All of these things can lead us to isolate ourselves. I think that connection does matter because it grounds us, it can help us to see the reality of our situation both for the good and for the bad.
For example – if I am isolated, I may feel that there is no way out of my situation – but if I am in touch with people, they may be able to come up with solutions that I was unable to find.
Equally, if I am in touch with people, they can point out the holes in my shoes – give me the umph to do something about it.
The "right" people.
The important point in all this, is that they have to be the right people. Yes, I can meet folks in the Casino or gambling arcades, but they tend to be employees who only have the company interests in mind. I also don’t want to be around others who may egg me on to keep gambling or indeed be judgemental about my behaviour. There are lots of caring and compassionate souls out there – I need to keep in touch with them. Also, I need to remember that, as I heal, I am someone who can be a support to others. So, by isolating myself, I am cutting myself from others who are in pain. Being out there works two ways.
Small steps.
So how do I take steps to lessen my isolation. Small ones at first. Starting with a post on Gamcare (in the UK) or Gambling Therapy (if outside the UK) website forums could be a start.
There are other “help with gambling” websites in other countries which will have forums and live chat.
Talking with someone who is non-judgemental and has some understanding of the pain our behaviour causes might be the next step – and counsellors would be able to offer this.
Then there are self-help groups such as GA but also more general addiction groups or general “self-help” groups designed to deal with social isolation etc.
I would particularly recommend Co-counselling International, which continues to refresh and support me on my journey.
I also feel it is good to pick up on interests we have and make friendships around them, so either online or local classes for something you are genuinely interested in.
Finding people who share your views, perhaps in faith or political groups for example may be another way forward. Try on-line first and then perhaps organise to just meet one or two people before taking a plunge of meeting many.
I hope this helps people to get out of being isolated. As usual I would be interested in any comments you may have. Please use the feedback area below.
