I have recently been thinking about the big win that I never had. To be fair, when I was gambling on slots (fruit machines) it was never going to happen as I think the largest jackpot was about £100 and when I played at the casino it was only for small stakes (I could never afford more – thank goodness!) But one area where there might have been the chance of the big win was the National Lottery or EuroMillions. MY biggest win was £500. I think the highest amount ever won was in the region of £160 million, a number which seems pretty inconceivable to me.
What would I do with that sort of money? Well one thing is for sure – I wouldn’t keep it. There would be no point as I don’t have anyone to pass it onto (my will is in progress and apart from a few ‘thank you’ sums, it is all going to charity.) It would be nice to think that the money could make a difference in the world. But what should that difference be?
Some of the things I have already been involved in could do with a bit of a boost. Co-counselling training for one and I would like to see more effort going into helping people realise their dreams and goals – perhaps by joining the Open University, if in the UK.
But are there other, grander, schemes which I am not thinking of?
And when I read that back – I am aware that I am not thinking of the “normal” things that people consider when they have the big win, the expensive car, the huge house and grounds, the gold jewellery. I found it stressful enough having a little terraced house and an old second-hand car without the worry of having to maintain things and keep them in good shape (yes I know if I was a multi-millionaire I could employ others to do that but I would still have to take time out to instruct them.)
I guess I should remind people of the sort of gambler I was. Some recovery websites mention that there are two types of gamblers.
Action gamblers
tend to appear egotistical, controlling, successful, and outgoing. They begin gambling because they believe they can become skilful enough to beat the odds. This pursuit provides an exhilarating rush but as the gambling progresses, even the Action gambler is gambling to escape their own pain.
Escape gamblers
often gamble to escape from problems, feeling they can free themselves from pain while gambling. The pain they are often trying to escape is emotional pain; depression, relationship difficulties, changes in marital status, or the “empty nest syndrome” is particularly common for women gamblers.
Now I was very firmly in the 2nd camp and to me, it felt like I was gambling to increase the amount of time that I could spend gambling. Basically I didn’t want to stop and if I did win I would just continue to gamble with whatever money I had. I am not sure that there would ever have been a win high enough to cause me to stop.
I think the same outcome occurs with the action gamblers. I think they are gambling for the hit and don’t want that to stop – so again, no matter what the win, they would continue to play. The big difference would be that the latter would have more chance of winning the big win and that they may know what to do with it … For them beating the system is a chance to show off the trappings of a winner, so the big car and the exotic holidays would matter more – if only to support their image of themselves.
In either case – there may well come a time (and it came soon enough for me) when the only thing that matters about the gambling is to keep afloat. Suddenly it is not about the big win anymore it is about the win which will save you from bankruptcy, homelessness or whatever other crisis you are facing, even prison or suicide. Even though my head tells me that trying to gamble the money I need when it was the gambling which put me in this situation in the first place is madness, my emotional self (my needy child) was still pushing me to put in one more coin and “I can come off when I have won X amount.” Usually a smaller amount as the day goes by – until eventually it is “I can come up when I have won back what I have lost.” So I needn’t have bothered. And of course I usually don’t make it and am back looking at an empty wallet again.
Just writing these words are cathartic. When I think about the big win, I think about what I could do with it – not what it might take to get there. I also don’t think about the other minuses, the temptation that it would give me, the need to keep an eye on it – to watch out for scammers, to monitor investments, to worry that I am using it wisely and not just pissing it away, (I worry about that now sometimes.)
So, letting go of the dream of the big win probably is something that is on-going for me. I notice when I am out walking in the more salubrious areas of the UK that I ogle the big houses and the nice cars and wonder why I am paying a nightly rate in an Airbnb and driving a 20 year old banger. Then I remember that I don’t have the responsibilities that owning a house entails and as long as my car gets me from A to B – I don’t NEED any more.
My big dream is still to travel the world. I know it will cost money but I believe it is now within my budget as long as I don’t gamble again. There are many blogs and vlogs outlining how much it might cost to travel the world – but the bottom line is that it is possible. It is HOW I might live whilst I am travelling which will dictate how much I need to budget. I am aware that I am not doing things the cheapest way possible (e.g. by couchsurfing or house sitting) Equally I am not staying in 5* accommodation whether that be hotels or on Airbnb. I try to keep below my budget for most of the time to allow for the odd blip when I come to a more expensive country or area – but then there are few countries that are more expensive than the UK – where I am stuck now.
In short, my big dream is now what I want my life to be, not how much money I want to have and that has made all the difference.
